Have you missed me? Did you even notice my cyber-absence? Hmmmm......

Do you want to know where I've been? Why I couldn't post? Well, do you?

How does it feel to want? Is it a deep, aching feeling?

Ha! Sorry, couldn't resist. Feeling a little snarky today. I haven't had the best of days recently. Vampire stuff. I can't really tell you about it because I promised I wouldn't reveal things on here that would have any affect on my book or upcoming books. *sigh*

I know, I know. You're thinking 'why even mention it?'. Well, let me tell ya this much. If you'd been through what I've been through the past few days and you come home and find that nobody even seemed to have noticed you were gone, you'd be tempted to make a snarky post or two about it yourself. Don't deny it. You might think you wouldn't care or that there would be other things on your mind, but trust me. Your mind would be feeling pretty delicate and easily thrown off, especially when it was already in such a horrid state. Not to mention that every last nerve is way past its edge.

So, why am I here taking it out on you? Who else am I going to take it out on? Ben and Jerry? The Drake's duck? Aunt Jemima? The Pillsbury Dough Boy? I don't even have a gold fish or anything to commiserate with. Heck! I haven't even become attached to my new pillow yet!

I just want to say, this whole vampire thing.... I'm not sure it's all the movies make it out to be. Well, ok, maybe the ones that make it all gory and gross. But the sappy romantic ones. They are definitely leaving out some key elements.

This is going to take more than the ordinary chocolate fix. Have you ever seen the Vicar of Dibley? It's a great Britcom and there's one episode where they give the main character a chocolate fountain as a gift and she dives in head first. I think I need one of those - but dark chocolate or bittersweet please. No milk chocolate is going to cure this hurt! I need the hard stuff!

Think of this as a PSA more than a blog post. Or, well, just as much as a blog post. I know, thanks to Twilight and True Blood and all kinds of other vampire fiction out there that there are women (especially teen girls under the false impression that vampires should sparkle), that think there is something extra romantic about dating a vampire.

Now don't get me wrong, I love Kin and I'm not knocking him. Not at all. I just want to set the record straight that when you date a vampire - he's still a guy. Yes, a guy with a very unique set of baggage, but a guy nonetheless.

Ok, I don't have to deal with the food and drink issues: no mass quantities of food required for sporting events, no greasy calorie-ridden fast food when you're trying to diet, no beer, baked beans, deviled eggs (I shouldn't have to explain that), etc. But that gets replaced by the fact that you can't go out to eat together. At the movies, you are the only one scarfing down popcorn and Twizzlers. You're the only one with late night cravings - well, late night cravings that can be satisfied legally at the local 7-11.

But there are still the same old issues of listening/talking. Communication will forever be an issue between men and women of any er, kind. I was going to say 'species' but, frankly, just don't like going there. He may not be technically human anymore, but he was and he still does a damn good job of passing for one. They still think if you have a problem of any kind whatsoever that mentioning it to them, or even in their presence, means that you expect them to fix it for you. God! I hate that!

And living for decades, or even hundreds of years does not keep them from squeezing the toothpaste from the middle of the tube! It really makes me want to smack him, especially when he does it to my toothpaste, but I'd just hurt my hand and be even angrier. Nor does time teach them where to appropriately place wet towels after a shower. Fortunately for me, Kin is very neat and there are no issues of other things not being deposited where they belong. One thing I hate is having to act like some guy's mother and pick up after him.

Vampire men are still clueless as to a woman's feelings. They don't know what upsets us or why. What makes us cry and whether it's a good cry or a bad cry. In fact, they are just as dumbfounded by the concept of a good cry. No matter how strong and virile they are, they are rendered helpless when they can't fix an emotional situation. Sound familiar ladies?

They are prone to every male pitfall and stereotype out there. If you can find it in a human male, you can find it in a vampire male. And what's worse, is the ones that have been around for centuries and still cling to their old-fashioned ideals. You know, like women should just be home caring for the home and children, and not treated much better than a children themselves. Don't even get me started on that one! I could rant for days!

Then there is the obvious and oft-pointed-out issue of the fact that you age and they don't. I guess I don't really need to go into that one. Oh - and the fact that they feed on blood. There is no synthetic blood in the real world for them to substitute (wish there was!). And, as you already know if you've read my book (don't make me say it!) the whole, how do I tell my friends I'm dating a vampire issue.

So really, when you stop and tally it all up, on paper, it looks like dating a vampire vs a human is not such a good idea. Huh. Not where I thought this was going to go. Hmm. Well, of course generic lists such as this don't take things like personality and such into consideration. Oh crap! Now I need chocolate.

Ok, make of it what you will!

Sorry for not posting yesterday. I'm sure you missed me terribly. (Yes, that is sarcasm) But there was just no way I was getting near a computer. I don't want to point fingers, but, sometimes dating a vampire can really screw up your schedule.

They don't require as much sleep as humans. (Though the whole must sleep during the day thing is just a myth. Don't believe me? Read my book. And again, why do I have to keep saying that?) But, let's face it, it's a little easier to get away with being a vampire at night, for multiple reasons. And yeah, if you want to know those reasons.... you got it, read my book.

Not to mention that Kin is at the beck and call of his Magistrate, Darius, 24/7. I swear, Darius is either clairvoyant or he's got one locked up in his mansion somewhere, because he seems to know precisely the exact moment Kin and I are about to get, er, um, intimate. You can guarantee that nine out of ten times Kin's phone is going to ring and it will be Darius.

Ok, I realize that sounds a little paranoid, but that doesn't make me wrong. I think people forget that sometimes.  Just because somebody sounds paranoid or their story seems a bit wacko doesn't necessarily mean that what they're saying is untrue. Have you ever watched Phineas and Ferb? Great cartoon on Disney. Yes, I'm a thirty-year-old woman who watches cartoons. My friend's kids turned me on to it. It's fricking hysterical. Anyway, their older sister, Candace, is always trying to get them in trouble for the elaborate inventions they build, but by the time she gets her mom to look, the stuff is always gone. So, poor Candace appears to be having hallucinations and a breakdown of some kind on a nearly daily basis - but - she's not wrong.

Ahhh, ok. Phines, Ferb, Darius. What the hell was I talking about anyway? I swear, I can digress like nobody's business! Ah ha! there you go, Hero, just look at the title you typed in a few minutes ago. (Can you tell I haven't had my RDA of chocolate yet?)

So, back to the original topic. Vampires. Schedule. I didn't post yesterday because my day was totally messed up being dragged around, (dragged? drug? who the hell cares) by Kin on 'official' vampire business, that of course, took hours and hours. After all, what do they care how long all their stupid crap takes? They have eternity, right? GRRRR. Blissfully forgetful of the fact that they were once human and that humans need to eat, use rest rooms, sleep, sit down now and then. (believe me, I could go on!) And no, sorry, can't tell you what we were doing. Big, top secret, hush, hush, vampire-type, stuff.

Anyway, by the time he finally got me home (way past the hours that any restaurants were open, unless I wanted a Big Mac), I had to actually make myself something to eat (talk about salt in the wound!) then I climbed into bed and managed to fall asleep despite the lightening sky and the horrendously irritating chirp of early birds out looking for their worms. Not a great visual to be falling asleep to.

Which also explains why today's post is later than usual, because I've only just got my sorry behind out of bed. Ehhh, ok, I've been up for almost an hour actually, but it took me a long time to actually start feeling awake. But here it is! Ok, not my most stellar post, but it's here. Somedays, that's the best you can do.

Signing off - in search of chocolate.....

Yes, yes I am. And I have to say it's a relief to know someone (a lot of someones actually) know about it. It's not easy keeping it a secret from my friends. It's pretty easy keeping it from my family, since that's just my Dad and William and his stuck-up wife. They are detached enough that they wouldn't notice if I was dating a zombie with half his face hanging off. Not that I would ever do that, but then again, I never thought I would date a vampire. But really, who does?

Oh, sure, with all the Twilight hoopla going on there are a bunch of teens out there who might fantasize about dating a vampire, but they don't really expect to date one. Well, who knows? Some of them might be in for a BIG surprise one of these days. God knows I was.

As you may imagine, it's not something you can just bring up in casual conversation and expect your pals to take in stride. Or without an involuntary 3-day committal. So, I haven't told them, any of them. Of course, it helps that I've kept them away from Kin and vice versa. None of them have seen each other since the night we met. How long can I keep that up for? Besides, I want them all to be able to be part of my life together.

To the best of my knowledge, you can't take a Cosmo quiz for such things. It's a delicate situation to say the least, not to mention awkward, stressful, and nearly impossible. I mean, you've read the book (do I need to say it again?), when my friends get together there's drinking and eating and drinking. A vampire is going to stand out under such circumstances.

So...... until I can figure out how to keep my vampire lover's identity under wraps, I have to keep those two parts of my life separate - and no pun intended - but it sucks. I wonder if Dear Abby would post a reply if I sent her this one to ponder? Might be worth a laugh.

If you are on FaceBook with any regularity there is a good chance you've seen the image below posted on at least one of your friends stati (yeah, I know but statuses sounds even more stupid).

Where do I begin? Well, first, thank you Mr. or Ms. Logic for making me think of something I'd rather not have thought about. However, seeing as I am dating a vampire, once the seed had been planted (pun intended), I couldn't get it out of my head.

It's not like you want to consider such things in the heat of the moment. Or upon reflection actually. At least, I don't. But what was I supposed to do now? I had to ask Kin (my vampire boyfriend, for those who don't know, and I'm not sure why we have to keep revisiting that - read my book!).

Now, those of you who HAVE read my book (thank you!) know that I'm not one to be graphic or discuss intimate matters any more than absolutely necessary, so pay attention because I'm going to be vague!

According to Kin, who is a vampire, so I have no reason to doubt him, it is true that vampire's hearts no longer beat. It is true also that they do not need to breathe. However, quite obviously, other muscles and organs are functioning or they wouldn't be walking around living the after-life that they are. I'll let you contemplate that for a moment.......

Think about it; they walk, talk, run, do things that require amazing feats of strength, etc, right? All of those things require the use of muscles. There are muscles in the... male sex organ. (God, I hated typing that!) It takes a combination if these muscles, nerves and blood (which let's face it, who has more blood in them than a healthy vampire?) to achieve the uh, ... desired state.

So, the sticking point is, how does the blood flow. Kin's answer: "I'm not sure." Now before you all start crying 'cop out' or whatever, let me say a couple of things. First off, unless you went to medical school or something, would you know the intricacies of how the human body worked without the aid of the internet? I didn't think so. Second, it's not like there have been centuries of vampire doctors doing research on how their bodies function, recording their findings and trying to comprehend the magic that makes them work. They can't Google this stuff. There are no pages on Wikipedia for them to go to.

When you consider it in that light, it's a reasonable response. His best guess: Vampires need blood for everything. It's the one and only thing they need to exist. Therefore, it must somehow travel throughout their entire body to keep their body functioning. It does not seem to use the same arterial system it used when they were human, but that doesn't mean it doesn't travel through the body in some other way.

The bottom line is this, vampires manage to have sexual relations. Kin says definitely no babies, though. I don't want to delve any further into the why's and wherefore's of the mechanics of the issue. This was uncomfortable enough, thank you very much.

And if you need or want any more information on this topic, I highly suggest you go and get your own vampire. Or a hobby. Or therapy.