I hope you are all sitting down while you read this. If not, go get a chair. We'll wait.....

Ok, so, what happens in the dreadful, horrendous, inexplicably bone chilling event that you have a problem which can not be solved, or at least be significantly improved via a chocolate infusion? Dear God! Just typing that made me shiver!

Try not to panic, it is a very rare occurrence, I assure you, but since I recently underwent an ordeal of such Gothic and terrifying proportions that even my beloved Ring Dings and New York Super Fudge Chunk were unable to deliver me. Talk about adding insult to injury. Kick a woman while she's down! Oh! The cruel cosmic injustice of it all!

I can't divulge the details of what I endured recently, (sorry, read the page on A Promise), but let's just say getting back to my own home, and getting my hands on large quantities of chocolate were uppermost in my mind once I knew I was safe. And yet, I was left flat.

Oh sure, it was tasty and felt good to have the delicious treats. Don't get me wrong on that score. But there was no uplifting, no sense of well-being and 'all is right with the world' that normally comes from the bliss of eating such delights. Chocolate *gasp* had let me down.

I know, I know. It's a bitter pill to swallow. And I thought I could sink no lower. So, I had some tea - with cookies of course. The tea was soothing on my raw nerves, though again not as much as I'd hoped, but at least I could tell a difference had been made. I moved on to sleep, which was restless and less than peaceful.

In the morning, I tried again, going for the Cocoa Pebbles. Nothing. In desperation, I broke out the big guns, my 'Break Glass in Case of Emergency' chocolate: The Giant Toblerone. Not the ones you find in any old store, oh no, the great big ones that you sometimes see at Christmas and wonder 'who the hell eats a candy bar that big?'. Well, your question has been answered.

It was heavenly. It was also far too much and I got a sugar rush, a headache and a toothache. Don't you dare give me a 'serves you right'. You have no idea what I've been through! But still, the wounds of my tribulation remained.

So, I guess the answer is this: Time may heal all wounds, but chocolate, only some. Consider this a PSA.

If I haven't mentioned it before (and I'm pretty sure I have - and will again, so get used to it), it's not easy to keep thinking of things to blog about day after day.

So, today, I'm just going to ramble about whatever comes into my head. So fasten your seat belts, people. It's going to be a bumpy ride! Ok - there's a place to start. One of the greatest movie lines ever - from All About Eve, Bette Davis' "Fasten your seat belts, it's going to be a bumpy night!" What actress wouldn't have loved to have delivered that line? But guess what? It was not her favorite. I know - shocking! It was some lame comment about washing her hair. No accounting for taste!

Ok, more random nonsense. Remember my post earlier this week about TV Land? Well, do you know where that phrase came from? Bullwinkle Moose. That's right! Good ol' Bullwinkle coined that phrase when he said "Hello out there in TV land." See, this blog is educational.

How about this for random? I've been asked about my inaugural blog post where I mentioned my Gift and the singing sensations of the snack cake isle. The question was, what about the Entenmann's? Well, I can only speculate. Understand, the Ring Dings et all, call to be to be appreciated, and ultimately, eaten. They don't discuss the inner social standings of the pre-packed pastry community with me. However, I suspect the Entenmann's don't call out and participate because they think they're too good for it. After all, they do get their own special tables and end caps. Don't get me wrong, I love those tasty little chocolate chip cookies as much as anyone, but I was asked, and here you go.

Ok, let's see what else, what else? Oh! I read that in San Salvador, drunk drivers can be shot before a firing squad. Now, I don't know if that's true or not, but it's something to think about isn't it?

Is this the 1950's again? Did I miss the ride in the souped up DeLorean? Where are the saddle shoes, bobby socks, crew cuts and Letterman jackets? Are those 45s of Fats Domino, Little Richard, Elvis and the Everly Brothers I hear pumping out of the old Wurlitzer? Hello? McFly?

Well, then explain to me the huge rash of 3D everywhere you look. 3D movies aren't enough. Oh no. No, we've got to have 3D televisions in our home now! We even have to branch out into 4D with scratch n' sniff (I've got one word - Polyester - look it up if you don't get the reference).

Ok, fine so 3D effects are cool, but how cool are they when you see them in every other movie? And what's going to happen next? Will stores start selling designer 3D glasses for those that are too chic for the paper style? Can't you just see it now. Special kiosks in the mega-plex theater filled with 3D glasses by Marc Jacobs, Playboy, Gucci, Channel, Dolce & Gabanna, Versace, DKNY, perhaps Disney and Nick will have their own lines for the tots. What am I saying? No maybe about it! If there's a market to be cashed in on you know they'll be leading the way.

Ugh! Can't you just see the Old Navy mannequins hawking them now? In a rainbow of colors for the whole family! *squee!* Combine that with the 3D effects and you'll need to be selling anti-nausea medicine at the concession stands.

Franky, I think it's just another way for Hollywood to cover up that it just keeps cranking out one crappy movie after another. Gee, if we dazzle them with 3D, not only will they pay to see it in the theater, netting us more cash, but they will hardly notice how much it sucks!

Don't buy into the propaganda people! Demand quality movies with quality stories, casting and directing, not just cool effects.

Now, if you've read my book (and if you haven't, you need to!), then this sentiment needs no explanation. No matter what your feelings about the feline species, once an obnoxious blonde Amazon who can shift into an orange tabby tries to kill you, you're just never going to have the same affection for them.

But even before my encounter with the gargantuan Garfield, I wasn't much of a cat person. Oh, other people's cats were ok, because you didn't have to live with them. Sort of like kids. It's fun to visit them and play with them and even spoil them, but that doesn't mean you want all the responsibility and headaches 24/7.

I'd rather have a dog, thank you. I know, you're thinking, why don't you have a dog? Well, we did have a dog, but we had to find him a new home when mom got sick. It was horrible, having to send Buddy to a new home. Mom loved him so much. He was just a rescue mutt, but she adored him. She had had him for over twelve years. And now that she's gone, it just doesn't seem right for me to have one when I never know when I'm going to go away for a weekend or whatever. There's no one else to take care of a pet if I go away.

And while some people say with a cat you can leave them for a few days or whatever, I still wouldn't have one. They get on your counters and tables. I don't care what anyone says, you may be able to train them to stay off the counters and tables when you're home, but when you're out, they do as they please. I've gone to water plants and collect mail for friends on vacation and found their perfectly trained cats on the counter, in the sink, lounging on tables, etc. And they look at me like "What? You don't live here, what do I care what you think?"

Dogs don't do that. You train a dog, he's trained. And even if you have a stubborn dog that just really wants to lie on the couch, the second he hears anyone approaching, he's going to run and make sure whoever comes through that door sees a good dog. See - right there - dogs are smarter.

You can train dogs to do all sorts of things. What can you train cats to do? Use a litter box, come when they hear the can opener. Yay! Big deal. Dogs are company. The comfort and cuddle and have such expressive faces. Cats are aloof, they come to you when they want something out of it. If you call them and they come it's because it suits their needs. If it doesn't, they ignore you or even leave the room to get away from you. Dogs are happy to see you when you come home, no matter what. Come hell or high water, no matter what kind of day you've had, you open that door at the end of the day and there's a happy little face and a wagging tail to great you. With a cat, you might get greeted with an "oh, it's you. Decided to come home did you?" attitude.

Dogs play with you, and not with fuzzy catnip toys that you have to use to dope them up to get them to play. They want to be with you. They know instinctively when you need them to be near you. They also provide protection and a sense of security. Despite the joke signs, is any home really protected by an attack cat?

And for those of you who want to argue that cats are smarter, let me leave you with this thought.... Ever hear of a seeing-eye-cat? How about bomb-sniffing cats and drug-sniffing cats, or police squads with feline units? Cats trained to assist kids who have seizures or other serious ailments? Ever see a cat with a barrel around its neck for saving people in the Swiss Alps? Yeah, that's what I thought. Dogs Rule!!!

Think of this as a PSA more than a blog post. Or, well, just as much as a blog post. I know, thanks to Twilight and True Blood and all kinds of other vampire fiction out there that there are women (especially teen girls under the false impression that vampires should sparkle), that think there is something extra romantic about dating a vampire.

Now don't get me wrong, I love Kin and I'm not knocking him. Not at all. I just want to set the record straight that when you date a vampire - he's still a guy. Yes, a guy with a very unique set of baggage, but a guy nonetheless.

Ok, I don't have to deal with the food and drink issues: no mass quantities of food required for sporting events, no greasy calorie-ridden fast food when you're trying to diet, no beer, baked beans, deviled eggs (I shouldn't have to explain that), etc. But that gets replaced by the fact that you can't go out to eat together. At the movies, you are the only one scarfing down popcorn and Twizzlers. You're the only one with late night cravings - well, late night cravings that can be satisfied legally at the local 7-11.

But there are still the same old issues of listening/talking. Communication will forever be an issue between men and women of any er, kind. I was going to say 'species' but, frankly, just don't like going there. He may not be technically human anymore, but he was and he still does a damn good job of passing for one. They still think if you have a problem of any kind whatsoever that mentioning it to them, or even in their presence, means that you expect them to fix it for you. God! I hate that!

And living for decades, or even hundreds of years does not keep them from squeezing the toothpaste from the middle of the tube! It really makes me want to smack him, especially when he does it to my toothpaste, but I'd just hurt my hand and be even angrier. Nor does time teach them where to appropriately place wet towels after a shower. Fortunately for me, Kin is very neat and there are no issues of other things not being deposited where they belong. One thing I hate is having to act like some guy's mother and pick up after him.

Vampire men are still clueless as to a woman's feelings. They don't know what upsets us or why. What makes us cry and whether it's a good cry or a bad cry. In fact, they are just as dumbfounded by the concept of a good cry. No matter how strong and virile they are, they are rendered helpless when they can't fix an emotional situation. Sound familiar ladies?

They are prone to every male pitfall and stereotype out there. If you can find it in a human male, you can find it in a vampire male. And what's worse, is the ones that have been around for centuries and still cling to their old-fashioned ideals. You know, like women should just be home caring for the home and children, and not treated much better than a children themselves. Don't even get me started on that one! I could rant for days!

Then there is the obvious and oft-pointed-out issue of the fact that you age and they don't. I guess I don't really need to go into that one. Oh - and the fact that they feed on blood. There is no synthetic blood in the real world for them to substitute (wish there was!). And, as you already know if you've read my book (don't make me say it!) the whole, how do I tell my friends I'm dating a vampire issue.

So really, when you stop and tally it all up, on paper, it looks like dating a vampire vs a human is not such a good idea. Huh. Not where I thought this was going to go. Hmm. Well, of course generic lists such as this don't take things like personality and such into consideration. Oh crap! Now I need chocolate.

Ok, make of it what you will!

Yes, you read that right. Today I saw a commercial for testosterone replacement medication. For men who want to replace testosterone that lessens naturally with age. Let me repeat the key phrase in that sentence - that lessens NATURALLY. Meaning that's the way the body is supposed to work.

But now, some drug company has put it out there that they can reverse this natural process and replace the testosterone so guys can feel younger and more virile. You know, it was one thing when Oil of Olay and things came out for women's skin, but products like this and Viagra and Enzyte (God I hate the Enzyte commercials!) and now this other product are out there making men believe they're not supposed to age at all. That they're supposed to behave physically at 60 the way they were at 25. Give me a break!

Does it irritate anyone else that pharmaceutical companies spend millions of dollars (and take up precious FDA time and resources) for Viagra and Enzyte type products, and and now testosterone replacements! Ugh! I'm sorry, but wouldn't all that money, time, experience, skill, resources etc, etc, etc, be much better spent on serious diseases and conditions?

Yeah, yeah. Some people say that because some guys can't get it up it may lead to other problems, like depression etc. But seriously, maybe we are a society too preoccupied with sex as it is. I like sex as much as the next gal, but I'd rather see them working on a cure for cancer or MS, MD, Parkinson's, Alzheimer's or any number of other really serious medical problems. And even if you think erectile dysfunction is something to be dealt with, ok fine, but "male enhancement"? Replacing testosterone? Ugh.

Sorry, but I really want to slap that smile off of Smiling Bob's face.

Hero.

Sorry for not posting yesterday. I'm sure you missed me terribly. (Yes, that is sarcasm) But there was just no way I was getting near a computer. I don't want to point fingers, but, sometimes dating a vampire can really screw up your schedule.

They don't require as much sleep as humans. (Though the whole must sleep during the day thing is just a myth. Don't believe me? Read my book. And again, why do I have to keep saying that?) But, let's face it, it's a little easier to get away with being a vampire at night, for multiple reasons. And yeah, if you want to know those reasons.... you got it, read my book.

Not to mention that Kin is at the beck and call of his Magistrate, Darius, 24/7. I swear, Darius is either clairvoyant or he's got one locked up in his mansion somewhere, because he seems to know precisely the exact moment Kin and I are about to get, er, um, intimate. You can guarantee that nine out of ten times Kin's phone is going to ring and it will be Darius.

Ok, I realize that sounds a little paranoid, but that doesn't make me wrong. I think people forget that sometimes.  Just because somebody sounds paranoid or their story seems a bit wacko doesn't necessarily mean that what they're saying is untrue. Have you ever watched Phineas and Ferb? Great cartoon on Disney. Yes, I'm a thirty-year-old woman who watches cartoons. My friend's kids turned me on to it. It's fricking hysterical. Anyway, their older sister, Candace, is always trying to get them in trouble for the elaborate inventions they build, but by the time she gets her mom to look, the stuff is always gone. So, poor Candace appears to be having hallucinations and a breakdown of some kind on a nearly daily basis - but - she's not wrong.

Ahhh, ok. Phines, Ferb, Darius. What the hell was I talking about anyway? I swear, I can digress like nobody's business! Ah ha! there you go, Hero, just look at the title you typed in a few minutes ago. (Can you tell I haven't had my RDA of chocolate yet?)

So, back to the original topic. Vampires. Schedule. I didn't post yesterday because my day was totally messed up being dragged around, (dragged? drug? who the hell cares) by Kin on 'official' vampire business, that of course, took hours and hours. After all, what do they care how long all their stupid crap takes? They have eternity, right? GRRRR. Blissfully forgetful of the fact that they were once human and that humans need to eat, use rest rooms, sleep, sit down now and then. (believe me, I could go on!) And no, sorry, can't tell you what we were doing. Big, top secret, hush, hush, vampire-type, stuff.

Anyway, by the time he finally got me home (way past the hours that any restaurants were open, unless I wanted a Big Mac), I had to actually make myself something to eat (talk about salt in the wound!) then I climbed into bed and managed to fall asleep despite the lightening sky and the horrendously irritating chirp of early birds out looking for their worms. Not a great visual to be falling asleep to.

Which also explains why today's post is later than usual, because I've only just got my sorry behind out of bed. Ehhh, ok, I've been up for almost an hour actually, but it took me a long time to actually start feeling awake. But here it is! Ok, not my most stellar post, but it's here. Somedays, that's the best you can do.

Signing off - in search of chocolate.....

No, no - not the vampire thing. That's not so much of a secret, seeing as I'm posting about it here on the web and writing books about it. Though, my friends are still clueless. Long story.

Anway, this amazing secret has nothing to do with supernatural creatures or romance. In fact, it's rather unromantic. My secret is - retractable leg hair. Seriously. Don't laugh.

After years of extensive study I have determined that the hair on my legs is fully retractable. Of course, only at its own will. And yes, my body hair has a will of its own. What, you think the hair on my head had an exclusive on that?

Now I'm sure some of you women will fully understand where I'm coming from. You get into the shower, you lather up, you get out whatever the latest technological whiz of women's razors is leading the pack and you scrape a sharp metal blade (or blades) repeatedly up the delicate skin of your legs to rid yourself of unsightly hair. You've done this for years; you are a skilled practitioner. You run your hands over your legs again and again to ensure you haven't missed any. You squint in the shadow of the shower light to be doubly sure. Then you rinse and go about doing whatever else needs to be done. Then, after climbing out of the shower, toweling off, doing whatever it is you do before you get dressed and then getting dressed, you sit down at work or out at dinner with a date and rest your hand on your leg.... and there it is. Hair! Oh no, not one little piece that managed to escape. No, no. You could discount that. We're talking a patch, a field, a miniature forest of tiny hairs standing there all proud and erect like frigging great cedars! And to add insult to injury, they are right smack dab in the spot you started shaving. The spot easiest to see. You know you shaved there, you went over it twice, at least! Yet, there they stand, mocking you.

After a lifetime of such mockery, I have come to the only possible conclusion. My hair has the amazing (and evil) ability to retract itself at will. It senses when I am getting into the shower or tub and withdraws and hides. Then, when everything is safe and dry - *pop*! There it is! Back again.

Ok, some of you men are probably laughing, but I'd bet it would explain those patches you are always missing when you shave! How can so many of you miss those hard stubbly whiskers on your face like that? Better to subscribe to my theory than be thought incapable of shaving your own face.

BTW, for you doubters, I have even taken to shaving outside the shower, under bright lights when it's a special occasion, and what do you know? Oh yeah, there they are just a little while later. My own follicles are conspiring against me!

And you wonder why i eat so much chocolate. Can you blame me?

If you haven't read my Eat Chocolate Every Day page (and why haven't you?) you may be unaware of my strong belief that chocolate should be its own food group with a recommended daily allowance. Of course, that would also mean you haven't read my book, and do we really need to go there again? Do us all a favor, read the book!

Anyway, I think chocolate is a vital part of our diet and should be incorporated into every man, woman and child's daily menu. Now, before you go freaking out at me over obesity and whatever, let me remind you that all chocolate not need be in the form of Ring Dings (though if they ever stop making them I just might become suicidal). There are plenty of ways to have chocolate in your diet without going overboard.

For instance: For breakfast, you could make some smart choices, such as a glass of chocolate Ovaltine. With an 8 ounce glass of fat free milk is 160 calories and 0 fat. Or a bowl of Special K Chocolately Delight with fat free milk. That's 160 calories and 2 grams of fat. And believe it or not, a serving of Kellogg's Cocoa Krispies with fat free milk is also 160 calories and just 1 gram of fat. Or you could try Eggo Fiber Plus Antioxidant Chocolate Chip Waffles. Try saying that 10 times fast! A serving is 180 calories and 7 grams of fat. Sure, not something you'd want every morning, but still... a nice treat once in awhile.

Lunch time: After a sensible lunch, indulge yourself with a chocolate treat. Have a 100 calorie pack of Emerald Cocoa Roast Almonds. Sure, they have 8 grams of fat, but remember, we need to have some fat. Not all fat is bad, and you get some good fat from nuts. There are plenty of other 100 calorie pack snacks out there with chocolate in them that will give you a great little chocolate fix to get you through the mid day slump. Oreos, Chips Ahoy!, Milanos, Chocolate covered pretzels, even Hostess cupcakes. Or you could have a 90 calorie Fiber One brownie or chocolate snack bar. If you really need a chocolate fix, try a smear of Nutella or peanut butter and chocolate spread on a rice cake. Sure, there's a lot of sugar in those spreads, but... (yes, there's a but) keep in mind, you're not using the amount per serving listed on the label. You are using a fraction of that, and only using it once in awhile as a treat. So, it really isn't that bad. There are worse things you could do. Like eat a whole pint of New York Super Fudge Chunk and chase it down with some Ring Dings.

Dinner: If your taste buds are so inclined, you can get your chocolate fix right with your entree. Mole sauces, some chili recipes use chocolate, and a great many other savory dishes. And of course - desert. The possibilities are endless! But again, you can make wise choices. The 100 calorie packs are still there, plus Weight Watchers and other diet food companies put out plenty of deserts and candies for those watching their waste lines. There's no reason not to be able to make a smart choice if you want to have chocolate.

Plus - chocolate is good for your health! I won't rehash all that here - go read the page!

We NEED chocolate! It should be part of everyone's daily diet!