How many years has this been going on now? Twenty-five years? Have they managed to convince you yet? Not me, brother! Frankly, you might be able to pass that crap off as a few things, but butter isn't one of them.

But the nice people who also brought us Promise spread think that cute advertising will make us forget how awful this stuff tastes. Really guys, Fabio? Oh sure! If Fabio eats it, well hell! It MUST taste like real butter! Come on, Ethel, it's on sale down at the Piggly Wiggly! Let's go stock up!

I don't know if Jeff Foxworthy has ever done a monologue on this topic, but it's just screaming out for him to do one IMO.

Or how about the more recent ones with the over the hill chick from Sex and the City. You know, the one who wins the Emmy for biggest case of denial of real age in an actress? Yeah, that's the one. She's slinking around, looking like someone who's had too much work done, wearing too much makeup and wearing an outfit, that aside from being too young for her, does nothing for her. If it were supposed to be humorous then that would be fine, but it's not. You know what's supposed to be funny? There's a hot guy in the commercial young enough to be her son and she makes some stupid comment about how to make French toast. The hottie feeds her a bit of toast and says "oui". Yes, that is the punchline. They paid an advertising company for that little beauty. Staggers the imagination, doesn't it.

Frankly, it makes me wonder what kind of qualifications you have to work for one of these PR firms that does commercial advertising. Seriously! Man, some of these brands could run contests at a local high school and come up with a brilliant campaign for the cost of a college tuition bond or whatever and save a lot of money and embarrassment.

Not to mention, people, please - who came up with the name? A double negative? Was it really the best of all possible names you could come up with? Think about it. For days, weeks, maybe even months, people sat around offices and conference rooms and brainstormed about what to call this product. Focus group studies were probably conducted, markets tested. And yet, this was the best of the bunch. I don't know about you, but that doesn't exactly fill me with confidence in the company making the product.

So, for the record, I CAN tell it's not butter. If you can't, then perhaps you've never actually had real butter. Trust me - there's a BIG difference.

You often hear people speak of the "Golden Era" of Hollywood. That time in history when studios competed against one another for supremacy; to be the yardstick by which all other movie studios were measured. When stars were truly stars; paragons of style, elegance and class adored and admired by millions of fans all over the world.

Studios created the stars then. They were factories of illusion and magic, and while there were some definite disadvantages to the old studio system, when we look back at it all you can't help but think that some of their ways had their merit. They controlled the publicity, so all you heard were good things, upbeat and happy things. Sure, there was a lot of denial and even out right lies, but it wasn't all rehab and divorce and affairs and scandals. Celebrities were expected to keep up appearances if they wanted to keep their contracts. No rowdy underage partying til all hours of the morning and rumors of substance abuse, etc. Basically, no acting like a spoiled little princess that the world revolves around who can say and do as she pleases and the rest of the world just has to cope with it, and when you do finally have to pay the piper you blame your parents. (*ahem* I'm sure you can think of more than one disastrous diva who fits that bill).

Nope - if you wanted to be a star in Hollywood, you had to tow the line. Oh sure, if you were really big you could get away with a certain amount of foolishness, and of course all homosexuals were kept securely in their closets, but you had to answer to someone (actually a lot of someones) if you didn't behave. Call me old fashioned but I like that concept.

Of course, I suppose some will say 'oh but they're real people they should be able to show their real emotions and behave like normal people....' Excuse me?! Are you telling me Lindsay Lohan behaves like normal people? Hardly! No, they think they can act anyway they want because they're famous. If they were just normal everyday people with 9 to 5 jobs, or full time school, they would not behave like they do. And of course, they do have real emotions etc, etc. but when they are out somewhere at a function or event, they are working and need to handle themselves professionally. And even when they go out to a nightclub or a restaurant, they trade on their reputations. It's not outrageous to expect a certain level of behavior.

Though, yes, there are some who do handle themselves quite well, I don't mean to imply that all Hollywood is out of control. But even still, it's not the same. There's no real glamor. That true star quality is lost. We'll never have another Cary Grant, another Grace Kelly, another Clark Gable or Tyrone Power, another Elizabeth Taylor or Ingrid Bergman. Gone are the Bette Davis' and Jimmy Stewart's of the silver screen. Sure, we have our Tom Hanks. How can you knock him? But as wonderful as he is and as fabulous as his accomplishments have been, he just isn't quite up to that caliber, though possibly the closest our generation might have. Alright, George Clooney comes damn close to the style and charisma, though it did take him most of his career to achieve it (I remember him in a comedy show called ER even before he was on Roseanne!). I'll give you that he comes about as close as anyone I can think of to channeling that old Hollywood glamor.

And yes, we have lots of lovely actresses and greatly talented ones too. But I'm sorry, I like Julia Roberts, but she's no Ingrid Bergman. Though I will say I think Halle Berry is quite possibly one of the most naturally beautiful women in the entire world. Close cropped hair, not a stich of makeup and in jeans and a t-shirt and the woman is still breath-taking. There's a certain charm, a grace, an indescribable quality that's been lost somewhere along the way and I think it's due in part to losing the mystery of what makes a star a star. They are all so intent on showing you how regular and normal they are (well most of them). They don't care about being seen without makeup, dressed in sloppy clothes with their hair not done. Today's stars don't want there to be any illusion. And while I can see their side, I can't help the feeling that it's a shame. The believing that they were somehow above the everyday people, while, yes, being snotty and presumptuous, also added to the magic. It was part of the dream. If becoming a movie star or a rock star or whatever is looked at as no more different or special than becoming a dentist or a lawyer (simply something you have to train for and get a good break on to be successful), then where's the dream? What's happened to the magic?

(Now, don't get confused, if you are like some people I know who just breeze through, you might think I am contradicting myself, saying oh they think they don't have to answer to anyone etc, and then saying oh remember when they seemed above us all, but you have to really read and comprehend the full substance of those paragraphs. There IS a difference.)

And there, in large part I think, lies part of the trouble with Hollywood today. Where's the magic? Stop remaking old movies. Stop going for the quick, cheap laugh. Worry about crafting quality movies with valuable stories. I don't mean valuable in the sense of they all have to have a moral etc. I mean valuable in the sense that they are worth telling and worth telling beautifully. I know not as many people are willing to pay full price for a theater ticket any more so they cater to certain types of audiences they think will pay the price of admission. They don't realize how short sighted that is. Movies have longevity and can continue to make money for years to come. It's worth it to invest your money in a good story, a quality script, a first rate cast. And a NEW story. Believe me, there ARE new stories to be told. We are not all out of stories and ideas in this world.

Oh, Hollywood, Hollywood! Won't you restore and revive yourself? Try and remember what once made you so great. You were once the most magical place on earth, not Disney! Rekindle that magic. Expect your stars to be stars! Expect them to behave, because when they are out and about, they are representing your industry - like it or not. Don't coddle those who throw temper tantrums and diva fits. There are plenty of fish in the sea. Remember you were once the World's guide to all things fashionable. Show the World that it is the fashion to be elegant, classy, sophisticated - and responsible. It is no longer in fashion to be drunken, drugged, cheap and out of control.

And reign in your directors and producers. Raise that bar back up where it belongs before it falls on the floor! Demand quality films! No more easy way out by half ass re-hashings of old movies and old tv shows to make a quick buck. Reclaim your dignity! You can do it! I think you'd be very surprised how many people out there would just love for you to do so.

(PS - for those who don't know: Pic 1: Ava Gardner, Pic 2: Gregory Peck and Audrey Hepburn, Pic 3: Cary Grant and Ingrid Bergman, Pic 4: Elizabeth Taylor and Robert Taylor [no relation])

If you haven't read my Eat Chocolate Every Day page (and why haven't you?) you may be unaware of my strong belief that chocolate should be its own food group with a recommended daily allowance. Of course, that would also mean you haven't read my book, and do we really need to go there again? Do us all a favor, read the book!

Anyway, I think chocolate is a vital part of our diet and should be incorporated into every man, woman and child's daily menu. Now, before you go freaking out at me over obesity and whatever, let me remind you that all chocolate not need be in the form of Ring Dings (though if they ever stop making them I just might become suicidal). There are plenty of ways to have chocolate in your diet without going overboard.

For instance: For breakfast, you could make some smart choices, such as a glass of chocolate Ovaltine. With an 8 ounce glass of fat free milk is 160 calories and 0 fat. Or a bowl of Special K Chocolately Delight with fat free milk. That's 160 calories and 2 grams of fat. And believe it or not, a serving of Kellogg's Cocoa Krispies with fat free milk is also 160 calories and just 1 gram of fat. Or you could try Eggo Fiber Plus Antioxidant Chocolate Chip Waffles. Try saying that 10 times fast! A serving is 180 calories and 7 grams of fat. Sure, not something you'd want every morning, but still... a nice treat once in awhile.

Lunch time: After a sensible lunch, indulge yourself with a chocolate treat. Have a 100 calorie pack of Emerald Cocoa Roast Almonds. Sure, they have 8 grams of fat, but remember, we need to have some fat. Not all fat is bad, and you get some good fat from nuts. There are plenty of other 100 calorie pack snacks out there with chocolate in them that will give you a great little chocolate fix to get you through the mid day slump. Oreos, Chips Ahoy!, Milanos, Chocolate covered pretzels, even Hostess cupcakes. Or you could have a 90 calorie Fiber One brownie or chocolate snack bar. If you really need a chocolate fix, try a smear of Nutella or peanut butter and chocolate spread on a rice cake. Sure, there's a lot of sugar in those spreads, but... (yes, there's a but) keep in mind, you're not using the amount per serving listed on the label. You are using a fraction of that, and only using it once in awhile as a treat. So, it really isn't that bad. There are worse things you could do. Like eat a whole pint of New York Super Fudge Chunk and chase it down with some Ring Dings.

Dinner: If your taste buds are so inclined, you can get your chocolate fix right with your entree. Mole sauces, some chili recipes use chocolate, and a great many other savory dishes. And of course - desert. The possibilities are endless! But again, you can make wise choices. The 100 calorie packs are still there, plus Weight Watchers and other diet food companies put out plenty of deserts and candies for those watching their waste lines. There's no reason not to be able to make a smart choice if you want to have chocolate.

Plus - chocolate is good for your health! I won't rehash all that here - go read the page!

We NEED chocolate! It should be part of everyone's daily diet!

I'm sure you've seen them by now, the commercials announcing Overstock.com's new shortcut - O.co. ......... Yeah... seriously. Are we THAT lazy? We can't even type out a simple to remember website like overstock.com? And not even O.com - which isn't a currently existing website - so it's not like somebody already owns it. We can't even manage the "m" at the end of .com. How pathetic.

Is this really going to help them? Are people going to say "Gee, now that I have to type so many less letters to get there I'm going to shop there more!" Can't see that happening, can you? Do they believe shoppers are that stupid as well as lazy? Doesn't say much to me about them as a company or their feelings about their customers/target audience.

In fact, let's think about this: How much has this cost them? The new domain - the new .co thing - I have no idea if that costs. All the new advertising to promote the lazy-ass url. What could that money have been put towards instead? Oh! Here's a radical idea - how about lowering prices! No matter what they advertise I have never found their prices that great. Sure if you take the time to browse around you can find a good deal here and there, but it's hardly a bargain bonanza. To be honest, I've only ever ordered from them once - sheets. It was a good deal. Nice sale, not a huge savings over other sites, but I had a coupon and they were running a free shipping promotion. But I wouldn't have ordered otherwise since I found the same sheets for a little less somewhere else (but the coupon wasn't good for that site, so....)

Frankly, the only thing I use Overstock for is a barometer as to whether or not I've found a good price on an item somewhere else. If I'm looking for a shower gift etc., I'll look up what I want on Overstock (I refuse to call it O.co) and then use their price as an indication of whether or not I'm getting a good deal elsewhere. Hope you were paying attention to that. That means - if you can find it on their website, the odds are good (very good) that you will find it for less elsewhere.

But, if you are one of the dim-witted sheep that Overstock is appealing to (or trying to appeal to) apparently this doesn't matter you. Saving your fingers from the exhausting task of typing in those extra 9 letters is surely worth any premium you'll pay on products. (and you will pay)

So, congrats Overstock and whatever advertising/pr firm you are paying way too much for. You have either struck upon a great concept to attract the truly idiotic, yet well-heeled online shopper, or you've just spent a lot of money to make yourself look like a bunch of idiots with little respect for your customers.

Yes, yes I am. And I have to say it's a relief to know someone (a lot of someones actually) know about it. It's not easy keeping it a secret from my friends. It's pretty easy keeping it from my family, since that's just my Dad and William and his stuck-up wife. They are detached enough that they wouldn't notice if I was dating a zombie with half his face hanging off. Not that I would ever do that, but then again, I never thought I would date a vampire. But really, who does?

Oh, sure, with all the Twilight hoopla going on there are a bunch of teens out there who might fantasize about dating a vampire, but they don't really expect to date one. Well, who knows? Some of them might be in for a BIG surprise one of these days. God knows I was.

As you may imagine, it's not something you can just bring up in casual conversation and expect your pals to take in stride. Or without an involuntary 3-day committal. So, I haven't told them, any of them. Of course, it helps that I've kept them away from Kin and vice versa. None of them have seen each other since the night we met. How long can I keep that up for? Besides, I want them all to be able to be part of my life together.

To the best of my knowledge, you can't take a Cosmo quiz for such things. It's a delicate situation to say the least, not to mention awkward, stressful, and nearly impossible. I mean, you've read the book (do I need to say it again?), when my friends get together there's drinking and eating and drinking. A vampire is going to stand out under such circumstances.

So...... until I can figure out how to keep my vampire lover's identity under wraps, I have to keep those two parts of my life separate - and no pun intended - but it sucks. I wonder if Dear Abby would post a reply if I sent her this one to ponder? Might be worth a laugh.

In honor of Steve Martin's birthday, I thought I would post about him. I used to really love him, before he started just remaking (and sometimes ruining) old movies. The man is brilliant, you'd think he'd have no end of material for movie scripts!

Anyway, he did give us Navin R. Johnson, CD Bales, Orin Scrivello, DDS, Gil Buckman, Vincent Antonelli, Jonas Nightengale, and lest we forget King Tut and Yortuk Festrunk! And if you don't know who those characters are *sigh* you're Steve Martin education is sorely lacking. Go to www.imdb.com and look it up.

I had (well, still have) friends who had older siblings that had his first comedy albums and we'd listen to them and laugh our asses off! "Well, Ex-CUUUUUUUSE Meeeeee!". The bunny ears. The banjo. The balloon animals. All those great guest appearances on SNL (back when SNL was good).

"The Jerk" is classic. Yeah, it's often really dumb, but you're got to love it (♫'I'm picking out a thermos for you!'♫). Gil Buckman pretending to be Cowboy Gil for his son in "Parenthood" is hysterical and moving. His portrayal of the psycho, pain-loving dentist in "Little Shop of Horrors" is scene-stealing. Ok, I admit I have no idea what Darryl Hannah is doing in "Roxanne", but I still think the movie is funny and love his "20 something better" segment. His role as a shady evangelist in "Leap of Faith" proves Martin has the chops to do more than just comedy. And IMO his stint as FBI informant Vincent Antonelli is one of the best things he has ever done. (don't talk to me about the Father of the Bride movies - sacrilege! Nothing can touch the original and should never have been tried. I'm steadfast on this.)

But out of everything I have ever seen Steve Martin do, the funniest thing I have ever seen is his comedy/magic skit The Great Flydini. It was one of Johnny Carson's favorite's as well. For those who haven't seen it, or would like to see it again, I'm posting it below.

Happy birthday, Steve!

On this day in history in 1988 the Boston Red Sox won an AL record setting 24 home games in a row. So... I thought today's topic would involve sports. And since I'm no big fan of sports (sorry guys), it's only natural that I would blog about one of my biggest pet peeves: The ridiculous salaries professional athletes get paid.

I know, I know. They claim they are "entertainers" so they feel justified asking for salaries akin to the biggest box office stars in the world. But they are missing a REALLY big part of the picture when it comes to movie stars.

Think about this:

When an athlete plays a game, that's it. It just lasts for the game. Sure they'll recap it on the news and weekly sport shows, but unless something phenomenal happens, that's it. So the team owner only has one chance each time that player "performs" to recoup some of the cost of their contract.

Now take a movie star. They make a movie and it's released to theaters, thus earning the studio and production company(s) money. It's put on Pay Per View/On Demand for a fee and earns more money. It gets shown on cable and tv, earning more money. It's available to rent and but in stores, at Netflix, Amazon etc., earning even more money. Every time it is shown, rented, selected On Demand and purchased for decades to come, it earns money. If it has a good soundtrack, the soundtrack will sell and earn money. If applicable, there will be posters, toys, clothing and other licensed products, earning even more money. So, as you can see, there are a whole bunch of ways to recoup the cost of an actor's contract over a great many years.

Even if a player is really popular and the team licenses items with the player's name and likeness, those items are generally only good while that player is riding high. There is a very limited window for a team owner to earn any of the money back they put out for player contracts.

That is unless they hike up the cost of tickets so high that it's nearly impossible to afford to take your kids to a ball game. Why should we have to bear the burden of their super-egos? They're playing a game for crying out loud! And don't whine to me about how it just takes one injury to ruin their careers. Most of these guys got free rides through college. If they don't have a career to fall back on that's their fault (and a disgrace if you ask me). I'm not going to feel bad for them.

Take the example of NY Yankee Carl Pavano (yes, I'm going to pick on a Yankee). He was signed to a $39.95 million dollar contract over a four year period. Just three months after starting, Pavano had a shoulder injury, followed by a series of other injuries such as bruised buttocks (no, I'm not making that up) and ribs that were broken in a car accident (obviously not a work related injury) and yet, he got paid. So, in essence, the Yankees paid him approx. $4.43 million for each of the nine winning games he played. Can you really say that any player is worth nearly four and a half million dollars a game?

There was a time when professional athletes had to maintain regular jobs off season to support their families. They played for the love of the game. Now they play for the love of money and the chance to win endorsement contracts.

So sure, I may sing along with "Sweet Caroline" and I'll taunt a Yankees fan if given the chance, but really, I just don't care about sports at all. Overpaid narcissists who get their wads of cash even if they don't work (would you get paid your full salary for not being able to do your job for a year?).

But as long as fans (short for fanatics) are willing to shell out the exorbitant ticket fees, the owners will continue to charge more and more to pay the Prima Donnas their vanity wages.

Save your money to help starving indie-authors and buy their books!

What? I'm not the only self-published author you know.

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