No, no - not the vampire thing. That's not so much of a secret, seeing as I'm posting about it here on the web and writing books about it. Though, my friends are still clueless. Long story.

Anway, this amazing secret has nothing to do with supernatural creatures or romance. In fact, it's rather unromantic. My secret is - retractable leg hair. Seriously. Don't laugh.

After years of extensive study I have determined that the hair on my legs is fully retractable. Of course, only at its own will. And yes, my body hair has a will of its own. What, you think the hair on my head had an exclusive on that?

Now I'm sure some of you women will fully understand where I'm coming from. You get into the shower, you lather up, you get out whatever the latest technological whiz of women's razors is leading the pack and you scrape a sharp metal blade (or blades) repeatedly up the delicate skin of your legs to rid yourself of unsightly hair. You've done this for years; you are a skilled practitioner. You run your hands over your legs again and again to ensure you haven't missed any. You squint in the shadow of the shower light to be doubly sure. Then you rinse and go about doing whatever else needs to be done. Then, after climbing out of the shower, toweling off, doing whatever it is you do before you get dressed and then getting dressed, you sit down at work or out at dinner with a date and rest your hand on your leg.... and there it is. Hair! Oh no, not one little piece that managed to escape. No, no. You could discount that. We're talking a patch, a field, a miniature forest of tiny hairs standing there all proud and erect like frigging great cedars! And to add insult to injury, they are right smack dab in the spot you started shaving. The spot easiest to see. You know you shaved there, you went over it twice, at least! Yet, there they stand, mocking you.

After a lifetime of such mockery, I have come to the only possible conclusion. My hair has the amazing (and evil) ability to retract itself at will. It senses when I am getting into the shower or tub and withdraws and hides. Then, when everything is safe and dry - *pop*! There it is! Back again.

Ok, some of you men are probably laughing, but I'd bet it would explain those patches you are always missing when you shave! How can so many of you miss those hard stubbly whiskers on your face like that? Better to subscribe to my theory than be thought incapable of shaving your own face.

BTW, for you doubters, I have even taken to shaving outside the shower, under bright lights when it's a special occasion, and what do you know? Oh yeah, there they are just a little while later. My own follicles are conspiring against me!

And you wonder why i eat so much chocolate. Can you blame me?